When someone speaks, you listen to them. When someone has something – a message to convey, you will hear their message, rather than just moving on like there's nothing of significance happening in this Earth. For myself, I know of one virtue which made me felt truly alive. It was by giving the things that were left of me, that I managed to fill myself up with joy.
Maybe, and just maybe, people won't truly notice my presence at all.
That's okay, it's not like I'm the one to appreciate and to notice the significance of others around me – I'm mostly self-centered, that's all. Double standards didn't actually work, and when you want to force that kind of drudgery around people, you'll only be making your life much harder than what its supposed to be. Yet, I think, no matter which paths should you take, just stick close to these truth you hold dear until the time of your death. In the end, you'd probably felt like there's a juicy pancake on your throat – it tasted like watermelons on a chocolate.
I had stuck into these truth, and it kept me alive until now when I didn't feel like living at all. Filling my mind with incomprehensible questions, yielding no answers. What was left, these empty places, voices unheard, the songs unsung. The empty space, revealer. Homes and mountains ransacked, all yielding no premises to live within anymore. One must went on a journey to find themselves. Within my heart, I see malice tearing apart my own truth. It was fundamentally indivisible, yet, it could still be swayed, twisted, and corrupted.
These empty places, purveyor of empty dreams.
I just kind of sat there in the park bench. Up front, there's a huge water fountain. Actually, it's not that huge, but from my own perspective as an outsider merely looking at this tranquil scenery, with various people able to blend in perfectly - it feels exactly like I was looking at a big, moving picture right up close from my living room.
The ground was covered in cobblestones around the places people walk by. There was also the box-like formations of meadowy ground in which the trees are placed strategically. Adequate sunlight and the cover from it. Needless to say – it was just like an ordinary park, except with me being here. An outsider, just recently started living in this quiet town.
I had come very far, a long arduous way, just to get here. With my stern expression and weird getup that doesn't seem to belong within these area, I understand why does people stay away from me. Basically, I've had no friends, belonging in no social circles, having no full-time job. Living in a solemn apartment not so far from here, usually browsing through the books in the library nearby. At times I was forcibly being thrown out by the librarian for being a shady character who scares the peaceful readers.
There I thought - they must be new here.
Apart from reading, and remembering to return the books on time always, I also had a part-time job of being a teacher. I may not look like it, but people whom I had taught actually had find me to be a gentle, kind, and humorous person despite my actual appearance. Still, apart from that, I couldn't feel any sort of emotional attachment from them. Deep inside, I felt so empty, no matter how many sort of happiness I've had experienced from these events.
Yeah. I've been waiting for someone to sat there beside me and listen to my story. Within these scenery of tranquil places, to find my own peace of mind. I just let my mind wander around a bit, maybe let my thoughts drift away by the wind. Would it matter? I had found so many things that didn't matter through experience, and a few things to learn on a regular basis.
A young lady sat beside me. It was the turning point of my life, and that's also the reason why I decided to write about my own experience. She wore an office blouse, with her blond hair tied back, slightly blown away by the warm breeze – it's the afternoon, and I'm just munching some potato chips with a can of chilled coffee, watching the children play on that sand dunes, and various people – mostly cute girls.
Their sweaty flesh glistens beautifully in the afternoon sunlight. I saw their white tank-tops exposed with their undergarments visible, drenched in their sweats, after they had been roller-skating around the area for a while – I was watching since moments ago, and it felt good for my young soul. You know, that feel when you just stared at their voluptuous bodies and their peachy-puff bosoms jiggling about.
Seen that a couple of times already yeah, but as for meeting up with the young woman over there who claims to be one of my colleagues – it's my first time. I don't know what kind of things made such a fair lady to meet up with someone so rough-looking as I am. She just smiled at me like I'm her old friend or something, and we've just met for the first time after been through so many twists and turns in life – somewhat.
I wasn't that bright of a teacher, and I actually had just dropped out from my higher education during my second year because I've got into a fight with one of the pesky classmates. I gave him a good walloping, and now I got thrown out to jail for about six months prior to it. That one arrogant lad was the son of a rich person, and I've got no proof to show that he actually instigated this incident. No, I think after all, it was wrong for me to let my anger loose at this current occasion.
Still, it wasn't the fight which made me unable to continue my studies again. I actually was fed up, with the current education system. About the heartless, cold, and competitive atmosphere which turns people like me, who couldn't make friends at all, into a rut. People in there always suck up to each other, even to the professors who couldn't really teach in a way I could understand at all. They made it thoroughly clear and so obvious that no matter how smart you are, and no matter how hard you studied, it's about the grades that counts – only that alone.
And I'm sick of it, sick of being whittled away by the currents. I just want to find my freedom once more, just like these fun times in high school where I could just freely have fun as i am alone. Maybe it was just a selfish and weak reason to quit, because I didn't feel like doing it, but that's the truth I want to pursue. I've had enough of being in a system where the outcasts got humiliated to no end.
The rest of my education being spent in a library. The subject I taught? It was science, particularly Chemistry and Biology. Maybe it wasn't my kind of thing, but I actually liked the subject. The major I applied to didn't have that scientific stuffs at all. My parents forced me to take that field of study just because the graduates had the big chance to get a high-paying job. Meanwhile I just kind of applied to it because it gives me my freedom, and I think I could just take it easy since there's no one to pester me around.
It turns out that I was completely wrong, but that's a whole different story.
Meanwhile, I just want to take it easy and enjoy the life as I see fit.
"I haven't seen you in such a long time, how have you been?" so the young lady asked me, and I have no idea who she is. I asked her to tell about it, and it appears that she was one of my old high-school friend. I wasn't especially popular though, except for my delinquency. When she mentioned her name and gave me a brief detail about her background, I just remembered – she was the class rep at my senior year of high school.
Figures. It was her job, or it was just her class-rep personality which made her quite nosy to guys like me. Still, I kind of wondered how on earth, did a person like me ever got a take on becoming a part-time teacher? It was at a nearby cram school, the students are basically trying to get on various high-schools. I'm not essentially bright, in fact I'm a bit of a slow learner and I mostly self-taught myself since I couldn't understand what the teachers are talking about at all.
Though I know one thing for sure, that I'm able to present the material in a way that even people who had disadvantages at learning could still understand. I didn't know how to write a proper curriculum vitae while I just applied on the job. So I just merely sent my application in some unorthodox way, and write honestly about what I've been experiencing thus far. Few days later, I was called to the cram school for a job interview.
I nearly jumped. You know, the reason why I applied as a teacher was because I'm desperate for money – like everyone else who wants to apply for a job. Though after being onto it for a brief moment, I realize that money wasn't the most important thing – it's about giving your all and putting your best effort. Money would come by itself.
After dropping out of my education, I was kicked out of my home, with nothing to rely on but myself on this cruel, harsh society. Luckily I've met quite a few good friends on the way, and they helped me to get where I am. Still I couldn't find any emotional connections since we're mostly just easy come, easy go.
It wasn't that I like being alone. Nobody likes being alone. It's just, yeah, I wasn't really forcing myself to make any friends. Forcing out something only yields to disappointments. That's what I thought after experiencing the myriads of disappointing things in life. Even though it made myself stronger, I know all too well that all of these disappointments weren't the ones that I should look up to. Except if I'm actually a masochist in denial. Let's just hope that it was not.
Meanwhile, the conversation continues.
She said to me, "Well, you've certainly been through a lot, huh? I could see it by the way you taught everyone. It certainly does seem like you're teaching science like telling things from your personal experience, like you're speaking about your hardships. Like, there's something beneath the materials. I just got there after checking out the classes at random, and boy – sure I am impressed." she ended this up with a slight chuckle.
"If you even had a singular hint of sarcasm, this conversation is over, ma'am." I quickly rose to my feet. My audible hoarse shout attracts the attention of few people around, and honestly, it didn't feel that great being the object of spectation.
"Now...now.....Mr. Derby, that kind of attitude was the thing which made you unable to make friends since high school, you know." that smile she gave once again sparks my irritation even more.
"And that nosy attitude was the thing which made many people hate you, Ms. Wannabe Psychologist."
Her expression simply stood still. Breaking out into an even broader smile, as in acclaiming a triumph, she added, "How so? Many of my students like it when I act like that. It's just you who's an oddball, and that's how I tend to like you, and find you to be a very interesting individual"
"Tch, whatever." I decided to ignore her for awhile and just downed the entire can of chilled coffee in one gulp.
She mentioned the name "Derby" while we're talking. It wasn't my actual name, really. I didn't feel that comfortable mentioning my name in this writing, along all of the characters present, so I mostly just refer to them in pseudonyms. Or, if the people didn't really have a significance, I usually just use a simple pronoun or things similar to depict themselves.
What was the turning point, you ask? This was just the starting point of our conversation, and I things actually escalated much quicker after that.
It all begins with one ordinary question that kind of slipped outta my mouth nonchalantly:
"Say, why do you like me? It didn't seem that you will find me interesting just for my rough exterior. I mean, there's many delinquents who were far more helpless, and I just find it odd." I was somehow indifferent to the situation while I asked this, paying attention to the surroundings more.
Heck, I haven't really stared at her eyes the moment I talked to her. It wasn't really my habit to look at people while I talk, and that's probably the reason I wasn't able to made any friends. That wasn't really much of a problem since I mostly like to keep my own time to myself, basking in this quaint, peaceful scenery.
With a very curious look on her face, she replied:
"Because you're the kind of person who have dreams and ideals, a strong one on top of that. It was the thing in you which made me fascinated." that genuine tone of voice in which she spoke while I wasn't really paying attention – it really had caught me off guard. If at that time I was gulping a can of coffee, there's a slight chance that I would spat my drink, making things rather awkward.
Regardless of that, I'm able to keep my indifferent composure, somewhat. A bit fazed by her charm, but that's it.
"You sure had your own way of flattering someone." once again, I didn't look at her face, I'm mostly staring at the scenery when two cute girls are kissing each other beside the water fountain. That was pretty normal, I think.
"Do you like it?"
"Truth to be told, I'm not the ones who liked flattery."
"Yeah, I know."
I even had a part-time job where most of the employees are futanari. Basically girls with both female and male genitalia – they are very cute and I'm really tempted to do perverted things. They were also known for their perversion too. Still, I've managed to escape from these pheromone trap and moved away in a short notice. The biggest paying job I had was at the host club – I didn't really enjoy it though since I kind of dislike alcohol.
Many middle aged woman in here: lonely housewives and career woman on stress. They all craved for my loldongs. I still rejected the offer. You see, I want my first time to be with someone special. Luckily they seem to be okay with it.
There was one time where a really cute girl urged me to have sex with her. It turns out that she's really seductive. With a maid outfit, cat ears, and a pink ponytail hair, and adorable expression that beats the charm of most girls, we kind of did a run-in at the dressing room in the host club. You know it's really embarrassing to say, but yeah, we did a french kiss. I stuck my tongue in her face, and hers in mine. I reached to her panties, and found a really huge boner.
Her chest was also really flat too, when I fondled her chest, she twitched like she's about to spasm at any moment. Though the bottom line is, it's merely just a padding. This is a host club on the first place too, all of the hosts are male. Meanwhile, as I spent few seconds rubbing more and more of her genitalia, I realized that there's also a big sack, and yeah, no that thing which the futanari had. I also realized...
My first kiss was with a guy.
"Are you thinking about perverted things again?"
"I don't know." that's all I could say.
After nearly got raped by several crossdressing guys at my own host club, I simply quit the job and traveled away with the sum of money I've got. As I mostly stayed in a hotel and spent a lot of things during my travels, the money ran out faster than I had previously imagined. In the end, I ended up in this place. A peaceful town where I could be myself, and also a town where I could find the new me that I've been looking for since the day I've decided to settle for the better things in life.
Now it's just two grown-ups, man and woman, sitting on a park bench, gazing at the water fountain.
It wasn't like myself to start up a conversation, but I just felt like I had something I must say to her no matter what. She quickly turned her face in a bit of surprise, knowing it was me, the one person unlikely to do that.
I simply continued before she could even reply:
"You said before that, it was due to my idealism, that you found me interesting. Yeah, you weren't completely wrong about that. In fact, I used to be a kind of idealist in the past. Living solely for me and myself alone. Now, I find that what I truly wanted, and what I needed were mostly polar opposites. I found out, that the company of an understanding friend was the thing which made me truly alive. It's just me that's mostly unable to be honest. You see – I still find it hard to find someone whom I can trust my genuine feelings to."
She simply chuckled.
"Just what I thought. You simply had the eyes of a lonely puppy from the first moment I met you. In the end, you haven't changed a bit. It's just you know, every person, each of them had the light which shines even brighter when they had found themselves, and able to express their feelings in the most genuine way possible. At first, you had that kind of bright light, but your light at that time during high school wasn't that bright and interesting enough."
"Judging from your personality, you probably want to give me a hand, probably."
"Derby, I'm not that kind of a person you know. In a way, I'm just very similar to you, I would only open myself to whoever person that's worthy of my secrets. Different from you, I'm unable to be honest with myself from the start – I have to put on a friendly mask, while you could just freely bare your fangs to someone you find unsettling. I kind of envy that kind of rebellious attitude. Still, as much as I had seen a spark of my reflection inside you. It's still not strong enough to break me free out of my own pretentious shell."
"I couldn't really picture you as a delinquent girl, honestly. So you must had strong reasons why you must put on a mask to pretend. Either way, me from the way back would probably refuse your approach and hurt you. Even for me back then, that cold exterior was also a mask, just like the ones you put, a mask to protect myself from the truth – that I'm unable to act honest."
"it's just as you say – family politics. I had come from some family of good upbringing, but they were completely filled with the personalities that were rotten on the inside. You know, I've been losing myself in despair a few times – even wanting to try committing suicide."
That was the first time a statement in which I heard up close and personal actually sends shivers across my spine. We talked in a low voice, and there's nobody nearby to hear us. Her expression was as straight as ever, it made me realize about how painful it might be, to make herself able to say such things with a straight face like that.
"Carol..." simply feeling guilty by her sudden outburst of feelings, I muttered her name for the first time in ages.
"Don't worry." so she said, turning her eyes away from me. At times before, she always tried to stare directly at my eyes while I was just turning my face away from her.
Tears begun to well up from the corner of her eyes, but she tried her best to make it like she's wiping off the dust from her face.
Cold as I am, I'm still unable to let a woman cry in front of me, on public places on top of that. Don't get me wrong, but I didn't like for the nearby bypassers to get the wrong idea. So yeah, the words came out almost too naturally from my mouth:
"My apartment is near here. Go there and take a shelter, seems the sky would be raining. Don't worry, I'm not someone to take advantage of girls like that."
She simply nodded. It was also a coincidence – the sky started raining by the moment we decided to go back to my place.
I still didn't really understand what's going on really.
But this might be the first time in ages, that I began to feel an actual warmth seeping through me