To the person I want to love again...

Most days, You don’t exist in my world
Hell yeah, You'd never really here though
Most days, I am walking and breathing and focused on a million other things
Like vigorously exercising on the gym or simply crushing and daydreaming about other men.
The one after You, or the one before
Including that one hunky spinning instructor too, of course
haha
You are rarely ever the focus or the muse

You are a footnote that I don’t even think of
until 'that one song', our song, bring played in the cafe i'm Wi-Fying at
(Wi-Fying, is that even a word?)
I was literally fighting the urge to reach out to the cashier girl and ask her to change the song
Cause it hurts like mothafucka
Sometimes it happened when i heard someone mentioned your name
or when I watching 'that one anime', an addiction I got from You long ago
Oh, and some of this (will be long) things i wrote comes from thoughtcatalog.com's articles that remind me of You
Yes, somehow your name's still the one that hurts my stomach. It hurts like hell. I wonder if You ever feel like there was hollow feeling in your chest. You feel forlorn, devastated, aghast and heartbroken
But i always find You in small pieces, never completely whole
It is a moment. A suppressed memory.

Then comes that dreaded feeling
You know, the moment when i was tempted to text You, message You on Facebook (seriously, is someone still doing this?), or like your status/recent uploaded picture
(but You're barely update anything)
Somehow i mindlessly want to communicate with someone I swore I wouldn’t let into my life again
Because what is the worst thing that could happen?
There is nothing really stopping me because literally, I have nothing to lose
Quite honestly, I already lost You
So why not just go for it?

But i didnt do that though.
With You, I remember how much it hurt
I remember how hard it was just to feel alright again
Like how i deal when my Dad's passed away,
with You, I had to numb myself, for years
or I would have collapsed, permanently.

There is so much unsaid between us
Things You never asked and things I didn’t have the strength to tell You
So now, I will tell You.

I loved You
I wished I could know You better
see who You were, the parts You were afraid to show
And I wanted to hold them even closer
You are flawed and did things I still can’t understand
But even now, after all this time, I feel like You understood parts of me
You saw me
You saw the darkness part of me
You saw my loss and devastation
You understood me.

You were my best friend
You knew me better than almost anyone else
You knew my weaknesses and my strengths
You knew how to handle my bad moods and bitchy comments
You knew how to make me laugh and bring out the goofiest side of me
You made me feel comfortable and beautiful
You knew my hopes, goals and dreams and always supported them.
You had faith in me, You trusted me, You loved me.

I'm sorry
Let me just apologize for the things that had happened between us
I know, I was too much
Overwhelming
I push, I push hard, a lot
And the pressure was probably too much for You.

Our relationship wasn’t created on solid ground
and the little things started to drive me insane and once it started, it never stopped
Then i pushed You away
So we didn't talk to each other anymore
At first the silence was what we wanted, what was best for us
I was angry with You and You were even angrier with me
Your heart was hurt and your ego bruised
and I was so wrecked
You were upset I couldn’t give You a better reason,
and i couldn’t give You more of an answer to why I was leaving when i was madly in love with You.

I’m sorry if I pushed too far but I hoped You tried harder
I wished that You would have fought harder,
until the both of us are burnt out
Maybe that way we can say we did our best,
whether or not it was enough
I’m not sure if You will come back, I’m not even sure myself if I want You to.
Maybe that's why God let You walk away

I find myself shutting out others and closing myself off from the possibility of finding someone else
I tried and failed a couple times
But I think fear stands as a strong force in front of me
I'm scared that I’ll never find someone who loved me like You did.
I’m scared I’ll never be comfortable with someone else like I was with You.
I’m scared I won’t find someone who will love me
for all that makes me who I am, flaws and all
I’m terrified of being alone and terrified that I made a huge mistake.

But the thing is, even if my apologies and your forgiveness added up to be enough,
we could never start over, we could never try things again,
continuing our old adventure like it used to be
Probably, I guess.
I never thought our ending would occur the way it did.
So I shouldn’t make promises. I may be wrong again. I know so little.

But I know this much:
You changed me
You are someone I try so hard to forget, but you find me
What happened between us burrows beneath my skin when I’m least expecting
You are not a footnote. You are a highlight.