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[Writing] Improve your writing, get it revised by others
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[Writing] Improve your writing, get it revised by others

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I don't think you need to mention the same topic three times?

I'll get back to your writing once I have ample time to do that.

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Don't junk at this thread, please? emoticon-Najis
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my lil sis gonna take scholarship , and she have to write an essay , would u revise it please , thanks ....
Spoiler for essay:
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would you please state the topic of the essay so that the correction can be made based on the context?

emoticon-I Love Kaskus
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Concealing the past criminal record of defendant is one of the charateristic of British and Australian law. This has to be done in order to protect the accused one in a way or another. I think this is the law that my country should have had. Without any information of defendant’s past crime record, the jury can make a decision neutrally without any consideration of the previous crime.
\tThis law has been applied in all crime cases in those two countries. One of the examples is John Blueman's case, when he had previously murdered a guy in a bar and the jury gave him ten years sentence. After walking out from the prison, he again murdered a guy in the same bar. Without knowing his last crime, the jury give him 7 years sentence. It could have been a life sentence if the jury had known what he did before.
\tIn contrast, some people believe that revealing the defendant’s background would be much better. Some had debated about this major problem but always meet inevitable impasse. They were arguing that society is in danger with loosed criminals around. Nevertheless, giving them a second chance is necessary, because they are also human who deserve for another chance.
\tOverall, this law suit well with most crimes and it is also well-developed. Despite of the rejection, this regulation is the better one for the time being. Practically, I totally agree with this idea even though some people are still thinking to wipe the policy once and for all.

emoticon-I Love Kaskus
nice thread, i like to improve my writing in english. all of your have a good writing. i must read from 1st page. trim's again
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its Application Essay for scholarship ....

the topic is write about yourself , ur motivation , ur reason why do u want get this scholarship , etc etc ....

its like when ur answering question at interview ....

i wanna know if this essay is fluent or rather indolish ....

hi everyone

hi

this is my first joining and posting in kaskus community.

i just wanna introduce my self, as you know at my profile, my profile name endonesya, it just a call from "indonesia''..emoticon-I Love Indonesia

in this forum, i hope i can learn english from others, and i believe person in this forum is the master, please..teach me about english.
emoticon-Malu


sorry if my english is bad, but..i wanna learn, so i can change my self..

thanks everyone, and i emoticon-I Love Kaskus
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First of all I would like to introduce myself. My name is icha and currently I am studying at SMA Negeri 1 Medan. I am interested in CIMB Niaga undergraduate scholarship programme because CIMB Niaga is one of the best private bank in Indonesia.(menurut ane ini ga nyambung, alesan adik agan mau daftar beasiswa karena CIMB adalah salah satu bank swasta terbaik di Indonesia? Kalau saya menabung / taro deposito / investasi di CIMB karena CIMB merupakan salah satu bank swasa terbaik di Indonesia, itu nyambung)
Secondly, CIMB Niaga offers undergraduate scholarship at (name university here), one of the best university in Malaysia and I will be very honored if I can be selected and admitted to the university with the support of CIMB Niaga. Thirdly, CIMB Niaga scholarship program offers a full scholarship which cover the whole tuition fee, living cost, health, insurance and others. With regards to the school grades requirement, I have fulfilled the required grade to apply for the scholarship. Besides having good academic performance, I also have a good English skills, which can be proofed by several English course certificates. Moreover, CIMB scholarship offers the opportunity for me to pursue my study in Computer Science & Information Technology, especially in the field of Management Information System. This field has been my utmost interest since I enjoy learning computer and interacting with people. During my high school time, I was highly involved in school organization activity such as school's religious organization where I was the head of the IT division. This position has allow me a lot of experience in both technical IT skills and managing people. (saya kasih saran suruh adik agan sebutin dia udah pernah ngapain yaitu berupa contoh konkrit karena ini general banget). Besides study, I also like reading, playing basketball and playing chess. Playing basketball and chess have allowed me to improve my sportsmanship. Furthermore I am a kind of person who is hardworking, sincere, responsible, honest, tenacious, steadfast, patient, and loyal. (biasa dalam essay scholarship, hal2 seperti ini harus disertai dengan contoh konkrit, jadi kalo agan claim bahwa agan responsible & hardworking, contohnya apa? pernah ngapain? kira2 gitu)

.....

Finally, If I will not be chosen by CIMB Niaga as a scholarship recipient, maybe God has another plans for me to get another chance . I will not be disappointed and I will make some efforts to look for another scholarship offers from other companies locally or internationally to make my dream come true. << paragraf terakhir ini ga boleh ditulis gan, kalo saya sebagai orang yg menilai beasiswa & melihat orang tulis gini, saya akan berasumsi bahwa ini orang gak pede, saya kemungkinan besar ga bakal pilih."


Saya baru koreksi paragraf pertama ya gan, paragraf selanjutnya nanti dulu.

Kalo kesan saya dari paragraf pertama, kurang begitu menarik. Saran saya, coba kasih tau adik agan untuk bikin essay dimana kalo orang baca terlihat menarik. Coba posisikan agan sebagai orang CIMB yg milih calon mahasiswa penerima beasiswa, kira2 aspek apa sih yg mereka cari? Itu dikira2 aja, kalo agan punya saudara orank bank, boleh tanya2 mereka kalo mau kasih beasiswa untuk siswa dengan disponsorin bank gitu, kira2 mereka cari orang yg kaya gimana, nah dari sana agan bikin essaynya untuk fit kebutuhan yg mereka cari.

Trus kalo dari segi teknikal paragraf, buat pake kerangka gan. Biasa orang paragraf pertama itu introduction, jangan langsung maen asal tulis / asal hajar. trus introduction itu sangat berpengaruh karena kalo agan bisa tulis introduction yg menarik, orang akan tertarik untuk membaca lebih lanjut, tapi kalo introduction aja ga menarik, cenderung akan dapat first impression yg kurang bagus & bisa mempengaruhi penilaian secara keseluruhan.

Btw no offense untuk saran2 saya ya gan, saya hanya mencoba objektif saja emoticon-I Love Kaskus
Hello,

Would you be kind to revise my poem, to check all the grammar.

I want to get married in the next 3 months. I plan to design an e-invitation and put an english poem there. Since many people will see the invitation, I want it to be perfect. Therefore, I'm asking your help. I can't give anything except 2 glasses cendol emoticon-Cendol (S)

Regards,
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of course, it won't be a problem. Feel free to upload your poem here so that people can see and help..
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thanks a lot for advice ....
i need learn and improve my speech and grammar..
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OK, being that I've been in both the applicant and reviewer position several times, here are a couple of things that your sister needs to reflect upon:
1. A personal statement needs to be, personal. So be specific ! The final goal is to make them know who you are , what you aspire to be and why are you a good candidate for the scholarship. They're not looking for a good student that study hard, they want a great students that's well balanced.
--> The first paragraph is pretty much generic, you will lose their interest in this. Instead you should tell them why is she interested in CS ? What did she do beyond her usual academic rigor? Explain the key extra curricular activities and achievements both academic and non-academic.

2. Reviewer always look for uniqueness and most of them are a sucker for a sob story that involves overcoming adversity. This is usually the best bait to hook them so put this early.
--> There's a short paragraph about your family, this is actually the one you need to elaborate more because it will put you in a different perspective than the rest of the candidate. Show how this scholarship will not only help you but also help your family. In addition, to be completely honest, the last sentence in this paragraph is a downer. It mentioned about helping the family but there's the 2nd part about being a great person. That just kills the entire thing about helping the family because the conclusion comes back to me me me me and how I'm going to be a great person.

3. Do not oversell yourself.
--> Look at the last sentence:
Furthermore I am a kind of person who is hardworking, sincere, responsible, honest, tenacious, steadfast, patient, and loyal.
This is like the ultimate no no, not only that there's just too many that it loses its integrity, there's really nothing to back it up (just like what ivan said). Anyone can say that they're smart, hardworking, etc etc but those are all self judgement with a variable standard meaning that everyone have their own definition. A better way in doing this is to choose at most three characteristics that embodies you the most and highlight it with plenty of supporting materials.

4. Having a keen eye into the future while maintaining a good disposition are great but don't overreach/over promised and most importantly don't be corny.
--> On one of the paragraphs there's a part about "I will make my best contribution to CIMB Niaga by developing the information system to become better, safer, and easier to carry out." That's a really vague statement and doesn't make any sense. As student you're going to single-handedly develop a system for the entire university ?!?!?!?
There's also another one about being president director by working from the bottom, it's honorable but it's pretty shortsighted if you ask me. A person rarely stays in one company in their lifetime, nor do they become a president just because their single college degree regardless of what they are. The person on the top needs to be the jack of all trades, mastering different skills and having a wealth of knowledge along with the affinity for leadership, decision making, etc etc..

5. Praise the scholarship entity in a subtle way.
In the first paragraph, all the reason given pretty much was your run of the mill "oh you're so great, please give me money" spill. What you should have done instead, is to do research about the entity and their scholarship. Why do they do this? What's the main motivation? What do they expect? And more importantly, why are you a good fit to this scholarship while taking into consideration the earlier stuff?

It may sound harsh but please don't take all the above personally. They are complete objective advice and they aren't meant to insult or underestimate anyone. I've seen way too many applications that didn't make the first cut because they're so blase with that cookie cutter feeling in it.

All the best and good luck to your sister.
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halo mod, see u again here emoticon-Big Grin emoticon-I Love Kaskus

i think mod stupido has elaborated most of the things about personal statement letter.

ask your sister to revise and you can always put the final version here. I believe most of kaskuser will help you to proof-read and hopefully improve it.

good luck!
As suggested by bro Ivan. Please be kind to revise this

Spoiler for title:
hello, everyone emoticon-Big Grin
would you kind to revise my essay too?(again, actually)

Spoiler for spoiler:

dude, i just hate can't using english grammar correctly..
i always write an english text based on my feeling, not based on grammar emoticon-Frown

and anyway, it's analytical text :P
Quote:


You should say this instead: hello, everyone emoticon-Big Grin
Would you kindly revise my essay too? not hello, everyone emoticon-Big Grin
and dude, i just hate myself that i cant use English grammar correctly..
i have always write an English text based on my feeling, not base on the grammaremoticon-Frown


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As for you, i need to learn and improve my English speech and grammar
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Online shopping, more efficient or more consumptive?

Have you ever seen an interesting advertisement? Oh , I’m asking the wrong question. I mean how often do you purchase something after you see an interesting advertisement? Nowadays, you can see advertisement everywhere, for example commercial break on TV, newspaper, magazine, brochure, and currently the most popular one, which is internet advertisement. Ok, let’s talk more about this.


We, as a human beings need to fulfill our necessities. There are many ways to satisfy our needs. However nowadays we tend to choose something easier, faster, and also cheaper. Internet is able to offer all of those convenience and efficiency in a product called online shopping.


Survey result shows that 64% out of 7522 respondent population had used online shopping for their living needs. In Indonesia, online shopping is usually done over some established virtual market website such as tokobagus.com, kaskus.co.id, and ebay Indonesia.


Although there are no problems created with the burgeoning online shopping, actually it has a negative impact of creating consumptive lifestyle in our life. Once people shop online, they will keep shopping on and on. Why do these phenomena happen? Many people say that it is caused by all of the benefits that online shopping offer, where consumers will be spoiled with a lot of convenience, thus resulting with the purchasing decision without thorough consideration. With a few simple clicks of online shopping, i.e.: search, choose, and fund transfer / credit card payment, you will have your desired item deliverd right in front of your door. It is so easy that people has become so accustomed without realizing that they have reached the addicted phase of shopping.


Apart from that consumptive lifestyle effect, online shopping have another disadvantages too. Have you ever heard about cyber crime? They are evil as they steal and cheat buyer who is doing an online purchase/transaction in the internet. There are also many credit card fraud cases that involve online shopping. Thus we need to be careful so that we are not going to be the next victim of this crime.


There is a very well-known phrase that stating "Consumer is the king". However please be a wise king when you become a consumer. A wise consumer is a consumer who always consider carefully before deciding to purchase something. This consumer's type will be able to selectively choose the product offered to them and buy based on priority that fit their needs.

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Regardless of your grammar, your essay content of idea is great and well defined. However unfortunately your grammar will ruin your overall score, and i would say it will REALLY RUIN it.

Grammar is important, in fact your grammar is considered quite bad that I have some difficulties to understand the real meaning / direction of several of your sentences. Using a correct grammar will allow the reader to understand clearly what is your intention through your writing, otherwise it may pose a big risk of misunderstanding.

A language is based on their structure that other people will understand the message to be conveyed by another people. This structure is called grammar and you are totally wrong if you argue that you prefer to write english using your feeling. In fact you still make some basic errors in grammar, thus it won't really help although your idea in the essay is exceptional. At least you must be able to correctly use basic grammar in order to write a well-written and clear message through your essay.

hope it helps. emoticon-I Love Kaskus
Quote:


masih salah

"Hello everyone emoticon-Big Grin
Would you please kindly revise my essay?
And dude, I just hate myself that I can't use English grammar correctly..
I have always written an English text based on my feeling, but not based on the grammar. emoticon-Frown

Quote:
this one is correct emoticon-I Love Kaskus
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