Hi

I'm not sure if this is the correct place to pour out my heart.

14th of April 2014 as I work at Burwood office, my cousin texted me "urgent, please call your mum in Jakarta now!"

I said to her "I'm busy at work, tell her I've added her name"

She said "Its not that...please call your home in Jakarta now."

I'm using Vaya monthly plan and it blocked the international call so I had to call my sis and asked her if she could quickly ring mum in Jakarta.

In the mean time, I've rang Vaya customer service to quickly unblock my international call and the lady said, it would take 15 mins.

My sis rang me back and screamed, bursting her voice and said "Dad passed away, Dad passed away. cik please we need to pack up and fly back to Jakarta."

I've blanked out and shocked in disbelief then shook up. I said to my co-worker next to me "my dad passed away, need to go to Jakarta" and he said "U need to calm down now and get the flight to Jakarta."

I was trying so hard to stay calm and compose but inside of me felt explode, my heart shrunk. Somehow I've managed to call flight centre as I took a deep breath and requested for emergency flight for that day.

I remember around 1000-1030 am I received the news, by roughly around 1030 -1100am, I managed to get the flight for 13.45pm on that same day (14th of April 2014).

Rang up my sister and told her "just grab your passport and meet me at the airport. I can't pick you up. I have to quickly catch a train back to Parra and then from Parra straight to airport".

As soon as I got to Parra, I've had plastic bag which I filled with couple of underwears and black top, grabbed my passport and headed out the door.

Ran back to train station as I live nearby the train station and thought to myself, train is quicker coz if I go by taxi, traffic might be congested.

My sister couldn't stop ringing me whilst I was on a train, she said "where r U now?" and I said "train" and she went "r U crazy? we meant to catch a flight 1345pm and the gate close 1 hour prior to departure. Why don't catch a taxi" and I said "traffic sis. train is quicker".

I've got to the airport right before 1230pm. my sister was waiting in Sydney airport. She spoke to Quantas lady and told her what happened in case if I couldn't make it before 1245pm. Luckily I made it. she said "gees, U look like a bum. you taking kresekkk (plastic bag)". She then quickly stuffed my stuff inside her country road hand carry bag.

Off we went by plane. Got to Cengkareng airport and my cousin pick us up and drove us straight to Rumah Duka Dharmais where my dad laid breathless with pearls on his eyes and mouth and wearing this nice black suit with rosary on his hands. I couldn't bring myself to cry at the time. It was shocking as I was in disbelief. even to this day!

13th of April 2014, he spoke to me through BBM still with his "hehehehe". He seemed very happy and told me about this indo business we had set up only recently. Then God just took him away.

17 years I live in Jakarta and the rest 13 -14 years I spent my days overseas and despite being far, we communicate through phone call once a week or even more and everyday texting he always asked "have U eaten today? r U home yet? "

When I went for holiday to Jakarta, I would hugged his back even when he's asleep and pat his belly and pinched his face and said "gees my chubby papa".

Since 14th of April 2014, my life doesn't feel the same anymore. I went to work but couldn't concentrate well at work because I hate myself for I had so many plans for my dad and none had been through!
I wanted to take him travelling overseas together, wanted to take him out for lobster, abalone dinner, wanted to show him my workplace, my apartment in Sydney. Mum has been here a few times but not dad. He always said "mum can go first and I just stay here." Finally last year, he mentioned he wanted to come to Sydney this year and I thought, maybe this October mum and dad can spend time in Sydney and I will drive them around Sydney. Well, it didn't happen!

Hubby took me to psychologist because he thinks I'm like a zombie these days and blanked out. In fact he told me there were times when he stood in front of me and waved his hands and I just looked blank. He shook me just to get my attention. Doctor thinks I'm not in this fast world pace which I corrected him and said "I'm fine" and he said "you not fine, you need to stay off work".

I went to work on the 2nd of May, 6th of May and 12th of May. 2nd of May, my manager only gave me rosters to punch in. 6th of May, boss sent me home, she asked me to take sick leave to the end of July full paid by exhausting all my sick leave balance as I had plenty on my sleeves and also exhaust my rec leave balance. However I thought I need to recover quickly so I went back to work on the 12th of May but still being sent home. My boss was really nice and said "U need to get stronger and reflect. I want to do whats best for you because I know for the first 3 months things are hard so please have some time off and look after yourself". She texted me a few times and emailed me too. She apparently also lost her dad through heart attack only 3 months prior to my dad passed away. Same incident like mine, her dad had heart attack at home and died at home. She even tried to perform CPR on her dad and called ambulance but didn't work.
At home in Jakarta, my mum had my dad died on the floor due to heart attack.

Things that shocked me:
1. Dad is the first close person I have who died. In the past, my grandparents died when I was little. In fact 2 of them died when I was a baby so I had little or no memories of them.

2. Dad is very close with me. I spoke to him daily through BBM and on the phone (once a week or a few times/week).

3. I'm not that close with mum coz mum is not a typical caring mum. She's more of going out with her friends, shopping etc and so when I call Jakarta, dad has always been the one who speaks the most and when I asked mum, most of the time she wasn't there.

4. When I argued with my hubby and thought "Gees, does all man like this?" --> I normally come up with positive thoughts "naaa, my dad has this noble heart and always give in to mum and support mum".

Not that I'm trying to bag out my husband, we married for 8 years, he's very pedantic with everything including controlling my income. I work hard and so does he. We paid everything in here half-half (which I don't mind) even the car and insurance, bills, holidays,etc. However, give me space when I want to give to my parents and make them happy (cultural difference plays a huge part here!)
If its not because I follow "one man only and one marriage only including honouring my promise to God and Dad when he disagreed with my choice and I said I love this man and dad finally said just so you remember, marriage is only once for the rest of your life! and I nodded and stated yes....Thinking, then what about mum? she married twice.
Either way, I believe in God and regardless even if people thinks I'm a hypocrite so be it. I don't sleep around. I've only slept with one man and married one man too till....Don't know when. You tell me.

Back to my dad subject. My dad isn't pretty guy. He's gangster (preman) edge. I call him whatever I please and he treated me as his own friend not as a daughter but he's very fierce and temper when it comes to protecting his families. He sacrifices a lot for us all and taking all upon himself. Mum always nagging him with money money and money! I hate the sounds of their fights at home and when I'm around, I would said to mum "stop nagging and try to work instead of expecting too much from dad."

I think women needs to be independent and not putting pressure on man. However man also need to stop controlling woman especially when it comes to her own income. So long she paid for half half of her household responsibility and save the exact same amount as what you save then the rest, she can spend it however she likes. After all, its her own salary!!!

Back to my dad. When I have this negativity about my hubby, I always thought of my dad as "hey not all man like this. my dad is a very good man." Now that dad isn't around. I'm so frustrated accepting the fact that now I only have 1 man in my life and that is my own hubby.

Hubby isn't a bad guy though. he works hard too and he's not typical drink and drunk bloke. He's all about planning ahead, investing wisely, smart decision making. Its just cultural difference when it comes to mum comes to Sydney and can't stay with me or can't give freely to my parents or even relatives that I want to help.

I miss my dad so much. At night I can't sleep well, still crying my eyeballs out, it feels empty inside here, keep on wishing to see him in heaven and always wondering what is he doing up there now? .

Regrets too for not having all the plans carried out for him and it changed how I think these days.

In the past, I'm all about planning and organizing but now its more about "whats the point of planning when I don't even know when I will die" or "why should I plan when I don't even know if mum will be around by then".

Somehow demotivate me when thinking "why do we all study and work, then get married and have kids (though I haven't had any kids yet due to career), grow old then die".

I have so much plans ahead for my dad as I always predict that he would make it pass 70 yo. My grandfather (his dad) also lived up to 74yo.
Unfortunately my dad passed away at age 63yo.
So...all the plans I have for him are all wasted!!!!
How do I feel? I feel angry, I feel wasted, I feel selfish and bad ass daughter as I couldn't carry out the plans I have for him, I feel lost, empty.

My heart peeled layer by layer after my dad passed away. I look at people not on the same light as before. These days when I walk on the street, I saw these people "are death too someday", everything I see and encounter just wrap around as "illusions".

I ask God by prayer "Why am I still here when my dad is up there?" and "People put a lot of importance on planning and so do I but I can't bring myself to plan ahead or motivate myself to progress more in life because at the end of the day, I don't want to be another time waster knowing I will be dead someday."

My bestie told me "well you should've look at it as since time is short, you need to do all you can to motivate yourself and progress ahead, make yourself and others happy etc etc."

Dumbfounded me somehow couldn't think like how she thinks. Despite she told me the positive answers and I know its positive to think that way. However deep in my heart, I still couldn't change my view and see as how she sees things.

I love my dad a lot. Last year 2013 I bought him this expensive pair of glasses and leather shoes which I bought from Hongkong. He kept this pair of glasses inside the cabinet and never wear the leather shoes too. He only show it off to his friends and our relatives "this is from my daughter, she bought it for me" but "he never wear it because he thinks its expensive and he doesn't want it to be ruined"

My dad didn't wear it so he could show it off to his friends and families and he didn't want it to be ruined but I bought it thinking its the best for my dad. Then a year later he died. I beat my self over this.

Lost motivation on life. My husband said a few times you look like a bum at home, I sit in my bedroom and curl then go to computer for 1-2 hours and sit again. I cook but only for my hubby (2x a week only). Even foods don't taste the same (illusion too).

When I finally went out today, felt so strange and my bestie said "Hope U stop being like this. U seems so lost. She then said "get your life back in order! U can't be like this forever!"

TRUE but HOW?!?!?!

Still very emotional. My phone has no beeping noises asking "have U eaten yet? are U home yet?"

My hubby is the only one ringing me to ask "have U cook this or whats for dinner tonight?"

Wish hubby could ring me and ask "have U eaten yet or r u home yet?" He never asked me these questions despite being married for 8 years. Only if I'm late from work then he would call and ask "where r u now?"

I miss my dad so much and wish Doraemon can grab the door out of his pocket and I could go back in time when dad still alive.

Wish to spend more time with dad, more hugging, more going out together, travelling together, dining out together, joking around together. More TIME with DAD, More TIME with people I LOVE.

Nowadays, I look at things and beings in this world as illusions.

The end