Everyone is crazy. They just don’t show it often.

:::

October 17, 2014

My identity isn’t important here. Even though I specifically start writing this ‘diary’ to write my thoughts and doings, I will not write my name, or anything that revolves around my true colors. But I want you to know that what I do for a living is nothing but a routine. A routine where people think is absurd, crazy. But for me, it’s normal.

But first, I want to thank you for your time. My sister told me you’re a nice person to talk to, so that’s why I write these secretly so one day, when I’ve gone completely insane, I want you to come and read the things I wrote down in this book.

I want to tell you what I do regularly day after day. I live in the city, possibly the place where anything can happen. I am working as a journalist, professionally writing down news and spreading them publicly for people to read. Even though people seemed to enjoy what I write, there are some who doesn’t.

There are times where I was harassed, threatened, robbed.

But it didn’t bother me. It never did.

But, I guess that’s the life of a journalist. You win some, you lose some. At least most of the public responded well with what I write. I even receive some decent payment as well.

During these times, there is always one person who finds herself taking care of me even though I don’t need to. Again, I’m not telling you her full name. But I call her Rena. We’re friends. Close friends if I might add. Sometimes she’s helpful, sometimes she’s stubborn, sometimes a bit bitchy. But that’s who she is.

We were eating ice cream near the streets when she asked me something.

"Have you ever thought of losing it?"

I was confused at this, so I asked, “I don’t get what you mean.”

"I meant, have you ever just try to let go all of your emotions, and do things that are beyond the boundary," Rena explained. "It was a weird question, but I was just wondering if you ever felt like that once in your life."

"I guess I have," I said. "But I always keep it a secret, so no one would see what I really feel."

She nodded, and then we ate in silence.

We never talked about it since then, and we planned to keep it that way. I don’t want to risk losing one important in my life just by telling her what I really do as a routine.

Then again, should I even tell you?

I don’t know. Maybe I should.

The clocks ticking, and my bed is calling for me to sleep. I guess I will write to you later. Don’t know when, though.

I’ll try my best to write to you as soon as I can.

Oh, and I think you already know what’s my name.

- Yuko

:::

October 19th 2014

I know I promised to write to you as soon as possible, but work and a couple of assholes prevented me for doing so. Sorry about that.

But this entry’s a bit interesting, so it won’t be a waste of your time anyways.

I should start now.

It actually started yesterday, after buying a few things from the grocery store. Barely few people were walking at that time, so I was only accompanied by the cold wind and the light shuffles of my foot. The distance between my house and the grocery store was quite close, so it didn’t take long for me to be at least a few blocks away from my residence.

Then, a taxi pulled over a couple of meters in front of me.

I saw the side door opening, and someone with long brown hair wearing a cream-colored coat and dark denim jeans steps out of the vehicle, her expression a mixture of panic and frustration as she looks through her wallet hastily. She didn’t have any money to pay.

To be honest, I wasn’t really a good civilian. But if the time was right and the problem was exceptional, then I would help out someone in need. This was one of the times I do exactly that.

But first, let me tell you first that this girl whom I met was beautiful. I would be lying at any other time, but this time I’m telling the truth. She was beautiful. I couldn’t describe it into other words, because it’s hard to describe someone so mesmerizing like her. I know I shouldn’t be saying this, since people might think I’m weird, but this is me saying what I wanted to say, and I say that this girl was beautiful.

I paid the taxi driver, even when she said that I shouldn’t and I don’t want to bother her, I insisted. And then the car drove away.

"I really don’t know what to say. I can’t believe a stranger paid me for something so little. Thank you very much." She smiled awkwardly yet gratefully, then bowed at me as a sign of gratitude.

"No, no. Don’t need to bow," I laughed a little. "It was nothing, um… I’m sorry, but what’s your name?"

"Haruna. Kojima Haruna." She told me her name.

"Well, Kojima-san, I was very glad that I helped you in the time of need. Truth to be told, I rarely do these kind of things to anyone, actually. So, you were lucky indeed." I smiled warmly.

She giggled. “I guess I was lucky.”

I nodded. “You were.”

After some time, we go on our separate ways. But not before she gave me her number unless she and I wanted to chat, or simply to get to know each other more. In that moment, as I got home, I feel a sense of happiness in me. And so, that ends my so-called interesting story.

I know. It might be cliche, and overrated, but everyone has their share of stories in their lives where they coincidentally met a tall and beautiful stranger in the streets. Not only me.

I think I should end it here. The girl in my basement keeps screaming her lungs out of how someone, anyone could ‘save’ her from me. Noisy girl.

Her name is Yui, for your information. Apparently, I picked her up on the busy streets of downtown Tokyo. You can say she eagerly went into my car after I showed the money I planned to give it to her after our late night session.

Didn’t even know what she was expecting.

- Yuko

:::

October 20th 2014

Hi

Yuko here, ummm

My hand’s covered in her blood, my shirt and pants are too

You should have seen her struggle, she kept crying, and screaming, and spitting words at me

I only shut her up when she starts to get too annoying

And luckily my baseball bat and hammer did the trick

I guess she didn’t see it coming

But who doesn’t like surprises?

- Yuko

:::

October 22nd 2014

Hey.

I hope you didn’t leave me after what happened a couple of days ago. But my sister told me that you’re a very patient and understanding person, and I would like to thank you for that. And you deserve an explanation.

Okay.

I kill people. For my own needs.

What’s so sick about it is that I don’t have a certain to kill. I just do it, and I feel satisfied.

I know. I know this is scary and fucking unbelievable, but I’m trying to explain it to you without making you freak out. I guess I still did, and you suddenly realized that you’re reading the thoughts of a demented, crazed, psychopathic person.

I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.

Please don’t leave me, don’t tell this to anyone or to the whole world. I want myself to be hold as a secret.

This is who I am. This is who I really am inside.

And I’m scared.

I’m scared of losing myself. Everything I learn, everyone I know, will someday leave me alone in this world, and I don’t want that. I don’t want my sister to leave me, I don’t want Rena to leave me, I don’t want the nice old-man living in the same neighborhood to leave me. I don’t want anyone to leave me. Without them knowing, they’re the ones who kept me safe from myself. They’re the ones who kept me sane.

And when that day comes, I’ll lose Rena, and the old man, and probably Haruna as well.

Goddammit.

I’m starting to cry again.

- Yuko

:::

October 29th 2014

I’m really sorry about before. I was being emotional, and I couldn’t think straight, then I started cutting my wrist and I felt normal again. Like, back to myself.

I hope you didn’t leave as soon as I’m writing this.

I really hope not. Because, I actually have some good news.

Since the taxi incident, Haruna and I started to communicate one another. Whether if it’s through chat, or coincidental meet ups in random places, we’re still able to talk when it felt like we just met for only a few days.

Haruna’s a nice person. She’s great at handling a conversation, making sure it doesn’t go awkward and she tries her best at asking me questions that she think I found uncomfortable, though I was fine at anyone who asked me color of my underwear is.

Through the course of our relationship, I have gotten to open up myself a little bit more. What’s my age, where do I live, my hobbies and interest. I completely left out the part that killing people for my satisfaction is one of my hobbies. She would leave me immediately if I ever tell her about that.

I’m just hoping that this friendship of ours grows and grows throughout the days, and weeks, and months.

I really hope it does.

The other good news is, I have exclusively made an article for a popular magazine about a famous politician who’s name is known to people due to his constant scandals for carrying home numerous sex slaves and children, and sexually abuse them until one was reported dead in the man’s bathroom. Covered in scars, wearing nothing but a bra and short pants.

Sick stuff.

As sick as I am.

Recently, I have finally get to meet Rena’s long-distance girlfriend after I was invited by the person herself. Jurina was her name, and she seemed like a pretty nice girl.

Too nice in my taste, to be honest.

- Yuko

:::

Novermber 12th 2014

I’m sorry for the lack of entries. A lot of things are happening actually, and I don’t know if I could tell you one by one.

But I know I can tell you one important thing.

I’m in love with her.

I’m in love with the person I met in the night on the streets, the person who I paid the taxi driver when she didn’t have any money at all, the person who I constantly see during my frequent visits to the regular cafe I go to during my abundant free time. I’m in love with her. I’m in love with Kojima Haruna.

I can’t describe this feeling inside me, but it’s slowly evolving into something more than plain adoration towards her.

It evolved into love. And, I don’t know what to do about it.

Do you ever feel like you’re just doing these things in your life because of how our society goes? In every human growth, he or she must learn new things around the environment, and then they are forced to go to school, starting from playgroup and ends with high school. After that period ends, you go to a university much to your parents’ liking, or your own. And then after graduation, you have to find a job that gives you a decent amount of money, and isn’t what you have hoped for. Then you have to find a house for you to live in, register your insurance, and the list goes on.

All of this has always been a burden in our lives, but you couldn’t find a way to escape.

When I’m around with her, it feels different. It’s like all the stress I have in my head quickly disappears, and all that’s left to do is thinking how much I adore her.

It’s much different when I kill. In only relieves the stress I have for a current amount of time, and then it goes back again. The immense thirst for people’s cries and screams, to see them beg me to stop what I’m doing, to feel the impact of their flesh on the heavy tool in my hand, to see the crimson-colored liquid oozing out of their wounds.

Fuck. Fuck, this is not what I want to do.

I just realized something.

Haruna, and the thirst to kill. These are two important things in my life.

And it looks like I have to pick either one of them.

Damn it, this is not what I want. This is not what I fucking want!

- Yuko

:::

November 20th 2014

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what the hell I’ve done.

I was out of my mind, and I didn’t know what I was thinking, and the moment I woke up and checked the basement underneath my house, I was greeted by the rotten smell of something dead.

It didn’t took me a while to found the lifeless body of the famous politician I made an article about once.

I don’t know what to do. Sooner or later, they’re going to search for him. The police, the news, everyone in the whole country will wonder where did the controversial man is now. Right now, every inch of fear I have inside is silently creeping out, and it’s slowly devouring me into insanity.

I didn’t know what to do then. The next thing I knew, I was staring at his dead body as it was burn the flames I had lighten up with gasoline.

And all I could do was cry.

Cry for how sick I am. Cry for how I was the one who killed the sin-tainted man. Cry for how everyone soon will find out by my real self. Cry for how I am a fucking monster.

Just… fuck.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckwhydidigetmyselfintogoddammit

Fuckingshit

:::

November 23rd 2014

Hey.

I… Fuck.

Just fucking… what the fuck did I even

Just forget it

Fucking forget it

:::

November 30th 2014

I killed her.

I fucking killed her.

What the fuck…

What the fuck?!!

:::

December 3rd 2014

We were having dinner in my apartment. It was a nice dinner. We had a fun time talking to each other as she constantly compliments my cooking, which she found delicious. I told her it wasn’t that good, then she said it’s as good as the ones in the cooking shows she watches. And then we laughed, continuing our usual conversation.

After washing the dishes, she looked around the apartment and came across a series of photos on the shelf near the television. Then, she started asking me who’s the girl in the picture.

"Oh, that’s my sister," I told her. "Her name’s Mayu, and we were really close during our younger years. Because of our obsession for butts, our friends would call us Oshiri Sisters, which is really embarrassing since I’m actually telling you this."

She laughed. “It’s really fine, Yuko. I’ve met more perverted people before you, so it’s normal for me.”

I nodded, before I finally caught on what she had said. “Wait, what?”

She smiled amusingly. “Nothing,” she looked at the pictures again before asking, “So, where’s Mayu now?”

"Oh, she shot herself in the head last year."

Dead silence.

And then, the silence grew even more.

It was tensed, and awkward. I didn’t like it one bit. Neither did she, as she was looking at me with her eyes filled with regret and guilt.

"Oh God, I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. I… I didn’t even know…"

"No, it’s alright," I gave her a bitter smile. "I’ve dealt with the pain already. I miss her, though. One day, she told me to never leave her, and the next day, she went away. Leaving me instead."

I looked around my house.

"You know, this place holds many secrets. You probably don’t know how much time I spent with Mayu. She’s so dear to me, that I would do anything for her. I love her so much, it hurts to think that my little sister isn’t here anymore."

I pulled up my sleeve, and showed her what I’ve done to myself. The amount of shock in her face was hard to describe, as she covered her mouth with both of her hands and her eyes widening when she sees the scars.

I smiled. “This is the pain. And when I do this to myself, it helped me through troubled times. It relieves the stress in my head, so I keep doing it until now. But that’s not all.”

I walked over to the set of golf clubs near the phone table.

"I realized that hurting myself doesn’t satisfy me enough. So, I kept thinking and thinking," I started walking near her. "Until the thought of hurting others came to my mind."

She looked at me with so much horror, the atmosphere suddenly tensed up and now, I’m staring at her with this sickening look in my eyes.

"I love you, Haruna," I confessed. "And I wish that you will accept the real me."

She started to panic as I walked even faster towards her, looking for any objects she could find around her. Then she looked at the front door, and thinking it was her only exit, she ran towards it. Before I quickly swung my golf club directly to her legs.

I looked at her, my face showing no emotions, as she lay on the floor in pain, trying to get up but the intense feeling on her legs was rejecting her for doing so. I could see the tears in her eyes, the heavy breaths as she crawled slowly towards the door which was out of her reach. I walked slowly behind her, golf club in hand while the other hand reaches out towards the old record player on the shelf next to me.

Once I hit the play button, classical starts to play through the speakers.

Without even thinking twice, I swung my golf club at her. And again. And again. And again.

End of story.

Just…

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t even know who I am anymore.

:::

December 10th 2014

Mayu…

Why did you leave me?

Why did you have to take your own life?

I thought you wouldn’t leave me

Say something, Mayu

Say SOMETHING!!

:::

December 15th 2014

Why Mayu….

Why did you go….

I hate you….

I fucking hate you….

Stoplaughingstoplaughingstoplaughing

Get away from me

GET AWAY!!

:::

December 21st 2014

I’m sorry

i’m sorry you have to read all of this

don’t come and save me

i’m crazy

i’m crazy and i deserve to die

just leave me

just fucking leave me

:::

December 23rd 2014

I’m alone in my room.

Rena came and try to help me…

She came too late. I already have a gun in my hand.

I have no choice. She was shouting, and begging me to stop with tears streaming down her eyes.

Though, I was lifeless. I didn’t know what I was doing. So, I shot her.

Her body is laying next to me, fresh blood still pouring out of her forehead. That’s where I shot her at.

I just wanted to say thank you after these past two months, you were there to listen and read, and understand what I was going through. But a person like me deserve to die, and I should not be in this world anymore.

I’m hoping that I could get to meet my sister again.

I will, right?

I’m crazy. Everyone is. They just don’t show it often.

- Oshima Yuko